?!?

There is a list hidden deep inside us. Everyone knows about it. I  am not afraid to admit that the list scares me. It holds my darkest fears and the ones which i fear i cannot overcome. So maybe that is the reason i chose not to look for it in the one place that i know it exists for sure. For i have tried it all. Looked in so many different places. I tried to cheat make up new phony ones but somehow it never works. There is a feeling that this is not mine.
If you are an unlucky soul reading this here i will talk about a dream of mine which is  not so  very interesting unless you are having it.I have this recurring dream/ One i  have been having for so many years. I see it almost every week once and lately almost every night, especially if i am not dunk. I see myself running away , away from so many things people, friends, enemies most times i am alone sometimes not.
I am afraid that i can never be happy unless i find that list, untill i kill my shark. For there ia a difference between mere existence and living. I am tired now, tired of running, of being confused reading and living other people's lives.
In this list is my dream, something i want to do but am afraid of it. I have always done things half way, left them incomplete. i am dreamer i dream my life away. 

rishte

Dard se kehdo abb mujhe darr nahi lagta
kyunki yeh kambhakt malham hi dard deti hai
kissi se abb main kya kahun jab parchai hi badal gayi hai meri
aayinain mai agar main hi dikhta hun toh shakal badli si kyun lagti hai
muskaraan kar idhar udhar sab taraf bawara sa chalta hun
kabhi sach kabhi zhoot jo dil kahe bolta hun
abb yun nafaz ko hath se cheen lun agar
dhadhkan ko dhakne na du agar
The devil wants to come home some nights
knocks on the big bad door guarding whats inside
if only and everything that starts with if
flush it down the drain if you can if you wish
sometimes it all makes sense what you said a million years ago
still so clear a picture like never seen before
kahaan bhagun unse main sach toh chup nahi sakta hai na
har cheez jo mehsoos karoon wh bhi bayaan kar sakta nahi na
tera mera mera tera hum sabka sab likha hai kahin toh
use likhe ko bhi toh main badal sakta nahin toh
jaabis jaabis jaabis listen to me boy
you understand me i know its s fun to play
but u know when we sill stop .. remember u'r not here for keeps not here to stay

  

know my name from the devil

honor and shame.. ego and pain

do you even know my name

as i lay under the sky bleeding

as i lay under the sky seething

as i lay millions of miles away

stranger do you even know my name

for all i leave behind is here to stay..

and it means nothing...

i call out for you but you would never know

and i remember nothing because it happened so quick

no time to reminiscence no time to blink

and i cannot make it back now
leaving this a draft so incomplete
jaabis now will breathe

smiles when it rains

so he ran ran into the wrong direction only to look back
but gone he was gone too far to never return
still thoughts lingered about the one he never looked at
kyun ho jaata hai aise har baar ki bhago main galat hi raste par
and i know i could have done better rehte kabu main jo jasbaat agar

Laughs fill the air he smiles silently mostly when no one else can see
ironic times stifle the core inside where no one can touch none just me
listen to the air it says something in my ear
the mind wanders far far away
he drifts away only to come back and realize the reality he cannot accept
the gut wrench leaving jaabis inept
to walk away or turnaround but cant do what you cant do
leaving or not everything you want cant always be true..

17

17 days of fire and hell

17 days of death and despair

17 favors of gloom and doom

17 days of no respite just a cold stare

then he opened the hose and it trickled down

blood water stay away

on his hunches kneels on the ground

daemons and winged beasts

nothing is ever yours

barbed wire chained lions naked feasts

do not read see it all

red skies dawn dusk passes by

and there far away anger lays siege

insomnia obsession you must believe

am i asking too much the killer freed

madness insidious visceral greed

happen as i want

or i want it happen as when now

confusion persists and the hands move fast

12 year old grudges come out relations never built to last

ahhahahhaaa

damned souls

There is a certain rush a restlessness threatens my peace
time left is short its going to happen it may not be all be bad
but every second seems so long the longest night i 've ever had.
the blood keeps pumping out with such ferocious velocity
nuthin to tranquilize me and my nervous anxiety
attention span miniscule patience non exsistent
intolerent arrogance personified down right insolent
things must follow my carefully laid out plans
no room for failure or exceptions unnatural events
labels expectations friends peers attachments
objects to get rid off tie up the millions of loose ends
push shove trample people get what they deserve
greed envy best motivators no saints me you remember and learn
ahhh haha ha prince of darkness
the other side this side no boundaries no fence
win loose destroy create loss of innocence
no options listen to it good or bad its you inside
right wrong lame or no cause fight fight fight fight
I am still alive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

good guys finish last

Yeah I know.. itz my philosophical bullshit again.. Crap not because it wont make sense to u .. but maybe because in reality it does not really matter what one single person does or thinks unless the person is Obama.The truth though is we people never seem to be short of advise because somehow to us no matter what our decisions are , they are always logical and justified to us.

The truth though if far from it. Many of us Claim to be good people but in really doubt if a majority of us really are.. i mean we maybe good fathers,mothers,sons, professionals and what ever role we take.. but can we really claim to be good ppl.. May i am a cynic but i am yet to meet more than probably a dozen ""good humans"".... and then we wonder whats wrong with the world .. when the truth is it is just us who aren't good enough.

we always somehow find it easier to mistrust then trust, to pronounce guilty without a trial.... All of us have trust issues and insecurities and instead of fighting the same we tend to give in.We just have to realise we have to trust the ppl we love or else this world can be pretty lonely.We also need to broaden our idea of a human . I mean charity begins at home is complete and utter nonsense... charity begins were it is needed. there are no sides which can be taken when you do good. But the truth is our point of view is skewed and we only see what our eyes see..

Our egos are so big that it drives me crazy. People need to realize that life is more than having green and plastic in your wallet .. life is about breathing and then breathing slowly again ..