?!?

There is a list hidden deep inside us. Everyone knows about it. I  am not afraid to admit that the list scares me. It holds my darkest fears and the ones which i fear i cannot overcome. So maybe that is the reason i chose not to look for it in the one place that i know it exists for sure. For i have tried it all. Looked in so many different places. I tried to cheat make up new phony ones but somehow it never works. There is a feeling that this is not mine.
If you are an unlucky soul reading this here i will talk about a dream of mine which is  not so  very interesting unless you are having it.I have this recurring dream/ One i  have been having for so many years. I see it almost every week once and lately almost every night, especially if i am not dunk. I see myself running away , away from so many things people, friends, enemies most times i am alone sometimes not.
I am afraid that i can never be happy unless i find that list, untill i kill my shark. For there ia a difference between mere existence and living. I am tired now, tired of running, of being confused reading and living other people's lives.
In this list is my dream, something i want to do but am afraid of it. I have always done things half way, left them incomplete. i am dreamer i dream my life away. 

rishte

Dard se kehdo abb mujhe darr nahi lagta
kyunki yeh kambhakt malham hi dard deti hai
kissi se abb main kya kahun jab parchai hi badal gayi hai meri
aayinain mai agar main hi dikhta hun toh shakal badli si kyun lagti hai
muskaraan kar idhar udhar sab taraf bawara sa chalta hun
kabhi sach kabhi zhoot jo dil kahe bolta hun
abb yun nafaz ko hath se cheen lun agar
dhadhkan ko dhakne na du agar
The devil wants to come home some nights
knocks on the big bad door guarding whats inside
if only and everything that starts with if
flush it down the drain if you can if you wish
sometimes it all makes sense what you said a million years ago
still so clear a picture like never seen before
kahaan bhagun unse main sach toh chup nahi sakta hai na
har cheez jo mehsoos karoon wh bhi bayaan kar sakta nahi na
tera mera mera tera hum sabka sab likha hai kahin toh
use likhe ko bhi toh main badal sakta nahin toh
jaabis jaabis jaabis listen to me boy
you understand me i know its s fun to play
but u know when we sill stop .. remember u'r not here for keeps not here to stay