?!?

There is a list hidden deep inside us. Everyone knows about it. I  am not afraid to admit that the list scares me. It holds my darkest fears and the ones which i fear i cannot overcome. So maybe that is the reason i chose not to look for it in the one place that i know it exists for sure. For i have tried it all. Looked in so many different places. I tried to cheat make up new phony ones but somehow it never works. There is a feeling that this is not mine.
If you are an unlucky soul reading this here i will talk about a dream of mine which is  not so  very interesting unless you are having it.I have this recurring dream/ One i  have been having for so many years. I see it almost every week once and lately almost every night, especially if i am not dunk. I see myself running away , away from so many things people, friends, enemies most times i am alone sometimes not.
I am afraid that i can never be happy unless i find that list, untill i kill my shark. For there ia a difference between mere existence and living. I am tired now, tired of running, of being confused reading and living other people's lives.
In this list is my dream, something i want to do but am afraid of it. I have always done things half way, left them incomplete. i am dreamer i dream my life away.